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Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

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Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:40 am

Okay, well. This is what me and Quixotic_Aims have for the completed outline of "The New Girl in Town". I would love to have some feedback!


1. Rhonda sits in the family limo, alone in the large, opulent vehicle. She is talking to her mother via cell phone, arguing against her mother's insistence that Rhonda ride in the limo due to her paranoid fears of public transportation.
2. As the limo pulls up at P.S. 118, Rhonda quickly asks her mother about how preparations for one of her upcoming parties is going before hanging up and getting out of the limo.
3. Naturally, Rhonda attracted a bit of attention from her peers by pulling up at the school in a limousine. Being who she is, Rhonda can't help but bask in the limelight, nonchalantly dismissing comments from awed spectators - until she is interrupted by a voice she does not recognize.
4. The only criticism comes from a new girl, who is standing next to Lorenzo. She is red-haired, and wears a green buttoned-up frock coat that falls to her knees. Turning to greet the new arrival, Rhonda immediately takes offense at the new girl's audacity and gets into a verbal joust with her. Unfortunately, Rhonda gets burnt, at which point Lorenzo formally introduces the girl as Erin, mentioning both her wealth and the fact that the two of them went to private school together a few years ago.
5. Not willing to deign to deal with the girl, Rhonda merely walks away in a huff after making one last scathing remark about Erin, causing the girl to garner some sympathy from the crowd.
6. Helga and Phoebe watch from a distance. When Phoebe expresses concern for Erin's feelings, Helga merely laughs. Saying she "knows a thing or two about show biz," Helga swears that tomorrow, Erin isn't going to be the victim, and "The Princess" is going to have a run for her money.
7. The next day, Rhonda gets out of her limo, once again talking to her mother on a cell phone. As she hangs up, Rhonda thanks her mother for letting her use the limo again, implying this is a play for dominance.
8. At the moment she hangs up and steps outside of the limo, Rhonda is startled by a loud horn. Unnerved, Rhonda watches as an immense white Hummer-limo pulls up behind her ride and lets Erin out of the back.
9. The two girls confront each other, with a crowd surrounding. After another verbal contest, Rhonda reminds everyone to RSVP at the end of the day for her weekend party. To her horror, Erin states that she's holding a party at the same time. As she walks into the building, Erin gives Rhonda a coy look out of the corner of her eye.
10. Now understanding the nature of their little game, Rhonda swears to beat out Erin. In the hallways, she gathers the usual group of observers as she shows off her new ruby earrings.
11. Unfortunately, one person in particular is interested in Erin's earrings, which are made of Hematite. The unorthodox nature of the stone draws the crowd to the new girl, As Rhonda decries the value of the other girl's gemstone, Erin ripostes with a remark that "Price is meaningless if it comes at the expense of beauty." Rhonda angrily stomps off as the crowd fawns over Erin.
12. In class, Erin pulls out a sleek and obviously high-end laptop, attracting the attention of Curly, who is sitting behind her instead of Rhonda as he normally does.
13. Noting his interest, Erin begins to regale the technical specifications of the computer. Grinning like a maniac, Curly pulls a hairpin out of Erin's hair, putting it under his nose and sniffing it. This unnerves Erin, who slowly stops talking in favor of staring at the strange boy. From a few desks over, Rhonda stares as well, not knowing what to make of this. Nevertheless, she clenches her fist and grinds her teeth in frustration.
14. At recess, the kids gather around Rhonda as she shows off a moped, which she had her father drop off. As everyone ogles the fancy toy, Eugene asks to ride it. Extremely hesitant about the idea but not wishing to seem miserly, Rhonda allows him to. Predictably, he crashes, much to Rhonda's horror.
15. As she begins to freak out about how much money the moped cost and what her father is going to do to her when he finds out, Erin steps up and pulls a fancy collapsible moped out of her backpack. She mentions that it's of foreign make, and thus not vulnerable to the kinds of problems other mopeds often have, like failing brakes. With a sickly sweet smile, Erin offers to give the moped to Rhonda.
16. Beaten and depressed, Rhonda declines and goes to sit by herself on a bench. Her position and the camera angle imitate the first panel of the comic, emphasising her loneliness.
17. Suddenly, someone puts a hand on Rhonda's shoulder. Arnold sits down next to Rhonda as she vents her concerns and frustrations. She expresses jealousy and a fear that she's being replaced by Erin.
18. Her basest fear involves her upcoming party; Rhonda fears that no one will come, instead favoring Erin's bash. When Arnold mentions that it's a bit petty to be concerned about one party in particular when she holds so many, Rhonda reveals that this party is not like the others. It is an anniversary of the first time she ever held a party for the group, a date she honors because she really does value her friends.
19. Now understanding the significance of the event, Arnold reassures Rhonda, stating that none of their classmates would abandon her just because someone with fancier stuff came along. He assures the troubled girl that everyone will come to her party.
20. The scene quickly changes to Arnold confronting his classmates, who have just told him they were planning to ditch Rhonda and go to Erin's party. Their justifications are not as selfish as Rhonda feared, however: Mostly they just want to welcome the new kid, and were of the impression that Rhonda's party was just business as usual. When he tells them of it's true significance, the kids change their minds, albeit reluctantly, as they are afraid of now rejecting Erin.
21. After an appropriate transition, the scene changes to Rhonda and Arnold just before the party. (in her living room?) Rhonda is fretting over the supposed arrival of the guests, whom she still believes aren't going to show. As Arnold attempts to reassure her, the doorbell rings.
22. When she answers the door, Rhonda is delighted when her classmates walk in. She greets them, overjoyed, only to be surprised when Helga shows Erin in.
23. The new girl walks boldly up to Rhonda and the two stare each other down. Finally, Erin relents and offers to make up with Rhonda. As a token of good faith, Rhonda shows Erin to the punch table.
24. Surprised at this, Arnold walks up to a seemingly disappointed Helga, and asks her how she got Erin to act so civil towards Rhonda. In danger of being called a philanthropist in public, Helga harshly reveals that she only brought the red-head along in order to cause trouble, and that she had no idea nor any part in Erin's change of heart. In fact, she assumed Arnold had gotten through to her prior to the party, and gets mad at him for meddling with a good opportunity to mess with her classmate. However, she is willing to admit Erin and Rhonda make good friends.

Soooo what do you think? Smile
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by peachcake21 on Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:27 am

Fancy! XD

philanthropist?

and ....

Who is the strange boy?

Also...

Does he notice Helga dissapointed or does he just randomly walk up to her?
Randomly? afro Wink

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:36 am

A philanthropist is a person who makes the effort of improving the wellbeing of humanity. Like, giving donations...stuff like that.

What strange boy? O_o

Uh, I guess a little of both? XD
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by peachcake21 on Sat Jan 23, 2010 3:35 am

There's evidence that Rhonda likes Harold so it could be him.

Maybe. Wink

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Sat Jan 23, 2010 3:42 am

No like, what strange boy are you talking about?
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by Dpshrineinclosetgirl on Sat Jan 23, 2010 7:04 am

Well, I like it a lot! Just a few things though... maybe instead of just them coming over, Helga brings Erin over, the stare down between the two rich girls commences, and then the guest show up and Rhonda is confused. Erin then explains that she canceled her party so everyone would come to Rhonda’s. I think it would also be more interesting if the audience has the impression (along with Rhonda) that the guests are going to be going to Erin's party so it is more of a surprise when they do appear. Erin could explain that she heard what the party meant to Rhonda and so this is why she canceled it. What goes unsaid is that she heard this from Helga, and Helga was the one to convince her. Only Arnold gets that… I think… he does understand right? That boy can be slow.

Also, what is Helga's motivation for helping out? Although don't get me wrong, I LOVE that she does. And I absolutely adore what you have her say at the end. But she never seems to help out anyone besides herself, phoebe, and of course, Arnold. So why? Does she hear arnold worrying about Rhonda? Maybe she is there when Arnold is telling their classmates how important the party is to Rhonda, and she decides to help him out a little. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with Helga's motives being unclear, because either way Arnold gets to see her doing something nice for others and I think that was what you were going for. I just think it might seem a little less random if you show why.

I really like the story how it is, and I’m just throwing in a few ideas of my own. You really did a marvelous job, especially with the contest between Rhonda and Erin!
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by I<3Phoebe on Sat Jan 23, 2010 7:29 am

Nice, I really enjoyed it. Right from the beginning I had a smile on my face, and kept it through the entire story. One question I do have just out of curiosity is the same on posed by Dpshrineinclosetgirl. What is Helga's motivation for helping Rhonda. I really don't see a reason, but maybe i'm not analyzing the story correctly.

But with all seriousness amazing job. I can't wait to see the comic Very Happy
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Sat Jan 23, 2010 3:23 pm

Okay, we'll address the issue of Helga's motivation.

Uhm, and I agree with Dpshrine, maybe it should be more like the kids are going to go to Erin's party. Smile
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by peachcake21 on Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:01 pm

How about the "Arnold guilt". O.O

Or if Rhonda helped Helga in something and its depth , dept?, or something.

IDK!
?

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by Weird1 on Mon Jan 25, 2010 9:28 am

peachcake21 wrote:

How about the "Arnold guilt". O.O

Elaboration:

We could have Arnold go to all the guys and tell them about the importance of Rhonda's party and then they're all "But the new girl has shiny things!", so then Arnold goes to Gerald and tells him of his guilt of telling Rhonda he'd get everyone to come when now everyone isn't. Helga overhears his guilt and sadness and decides she can't stand seeing him like this. (As usual. Helga can be such a sweetie) So that's why Helga goes through all the trouble. (Maybe has to use 'Old Betsey' in over time. lol)

Wha'cha think?
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by Counted Out on Mon Jan 25, 2010 10:03 am

It's a well structured story and it has a great deal of potential... but I have some concerns. For example, Erin is red headed AND wears green? Isn't that totally ripping off Lila's whole image? Including the 'new girl' angle? Now, obviously Erin is her own character with a completely different personality... but you must admit that comparisons will be drawn. Just something to think about it.

As for Arnold's role in the story... he's not the type to take sides. I strongly believe that he would go to Erin and explain the situation about the anniversary party and how much it means to Rhonda that her friends come to it. Erin may very well blow him off or dance around the issue-- resulting in the same sequence of events, but for Arnold not to try and reason with both girls instead of just Rhonda is... simply not Arnold-like at all.
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Mon Jan 25, 2010 5:05 pm

AWW! I completely forgot about how Lila looks! XD

Uhm, okay. I'll work Arnold talking to Erin into the story somehow. I thought something didn't fit well, and you probably just solved the problem. lol, thanks. Smile
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by shameonpretzel on Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:10 pm

I second Counted Out on the Lila similarities (if anything, Erin should look similar to Rhonda to bring the point home).

And I like the idea of Helga wanting to start conflict between the two girls. In fact, I doubt Helga would mind blowing off Rhonda to go to Erin's party, just to spite one and get free (expensive) stuff from the other.
Razz

So yeah - so far, sounds great!
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by Perhapsormaybe on Wed Feb 24, 2010 7:01 pm

I think this is shaping up great. You are doing an amazing job, and this plotline is just phenomenal. I especially loved Curly starting to dote on the new girl, and Rhonda's agititation with that (Oh no, she's stealing her little stalker freak!) Counted Out gave such good suggestions that I really can't think of anything else that needs worked out.

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Wed Feb 24, 2010 7:02 pm

Thanks!
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by Perhapsormaybe on Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:02 am

No problem. Can I ask how the script's coming along so far?

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by HA1996 on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:04 pm

I had an idea like this once. The only difference is, the new girl was blonde, her name was Jen, and her dad was about as rich as Rhonda's but he was just elected mayor.

I have one question... Is it possible for me to maybe help with this storyline in some way? I'm a fairly talented artist but can typically only draw things right once.

As for writing... I'm great at that, but not in screenplay form.

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:08 pm

Hmm... well, we're working on the script right now. Once we get that approved, you could be an artist if you want. Smile
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by HA1996 on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:14 pm

That would be cool...

I'm kind of busy a lot of the time though...

Maybe I could help design the appearance of the new girl.

Thanks!

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by HA1996 on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:17 pm

Just one more question... how exactly would I get the image to the staff? (I'm kind of new to this whole thing) Very Happy

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by ElegantVamp on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:20 pm

Well, I would also like you to ask Quixotic_Aims first, because he is the co-writer. :DD

And...I have no idea. You could make your own thread in the "Questions" board and ask there.
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by shameonpretzel on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:24 pm

HA1996 wrote:Just one more question... how exactly would I get the image to the staff? (I'm kind of new to this whole thing) Very Happy

First you have to register with the group.
http://ha6s.forumotion.com/register-as-a-staff-member-f4/

Then you have to apply through want ads for the episode of your choice.
http://ha6s.forumotion.com/want-ads-f3/
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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by HA1996 on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:32 pm

Okay! Thanks Smile

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by HA1996 on Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:47 pm

I can't register as a staff memebr right this second...

...But I'm definitely planning on helping out with the HA6S project at some point!

Now... back to the subject of the new girl.

I'm not thrilled with her being a redhead, she seems too much like Lila. I'm thinking maybe someone looking more like Helga did in the Valentine's day special. I just mastered drwing Helga-Cecile today, so that would definitely work out if I were to become an artist.

Feedback is appreciated, Let me know what you think of the idea.

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Re: Episode 4 (?) Outline! Feedback Appreciated!

Post by RoseThorn on Fri May 07, 2010 1:35 am

Counted Out wrote:It's a well structured story and it has a great deal of potential... but I have some concerns. For example, Erin is red headed AND wears green? Isn't that totally ripping off Lila's whole image? Including the 'new girl' angle? Now, obviously Erin is her own character with a completely different personality... but you must admit that comparisons will be drawn. Just something to think about it.

As for Arnold's role in the story... he's not the type to take sides. I strongly believe that he would go to Erin and explain the situation about the anniversary party and how much it means to Rhonda that her friends come to it. Erin may very well blow him off or dance around the issue-- resulting in the same sequence of events, but for Arnold not to try and reason with both girls instead of just Rhonda is... simply not Arnold-like at all.

I second both of these suggestions; I would drop the thing where Helga tries to cause trouble at the end and maybe just make it so that Rhonda is waiting alone at home and is getting anxious that no one will show when her friends (sans Arnold and Erin) show up. She is relieved but thinks it's strange that Arnold is MIA. Just then there is another knock at her door and it's Arnold, who apologizes for being a few minutes late and says "I just had to pick up one more person who I think really wants to come to your party..." He steps aside to reveal Erin. Rhonda acts aloof and asks what -she's- doing there and Erin grudgingly admits that she wants to try to be friends with Rhonda. Then we can have that scene where Rhonda escorts Erin to the punch bowl. If you really wanted to involve Helga, you could just have her silently gush (in Rhonda's fancy bathroom/under a tablecloth/etc) about how nice Arnold is for patching things up between the girls. Just then Helga hears a wheezing noise. Then we could have a good old "punch Brainy in the face" moment! Very Happy

Also, I've noticed that none of the HA girls have really short hair. It might be cool to try giving Erin brown/dark blonde (different than Arnold and Helga's hair color, but not like Sheena's or Ruth's either) hair in a pixie-style cut!
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