Helga On Court outline - desperately need constructive crit, input

This is a little long...it would probably be a full length episode, not an 11 minute one, because I really can't think how to trim it down. I feel like the ending isn't quite right. I also really need project members. So, opinions and volunteers greatly appreciated:

1. Arnold and Gerald are standing in a hall together, reading a volleyball tryout announcement. Gerald comments on his like of female athletes, and asks Arnold his opinion of the subject.
2. Arnold shrugs, and says he figures they're all right.
3. Listening in from around the corner are Phoebe and Helga. Helga grabs onto Phoebe and excitedly announces that this is "My--I mean our --chance!" Phoebe asks what chance.
4. Helga elaborates, pointing out that Arnold and Gerald both showed interest in female athletes, and suggests that they tryout for the volleyball team.
5. Phoebe is uncertain, but Helga is too far gone to listen to her objections.
6. Transition somehow to the next day, where the girls are lined up for try outs, with Tish and Mr. Simmons in front of them, Tish announces that she is the A team coach Mr. Simmons is B Team coach, and that only the best will make A team. Mr. Simmons reminds them to try their best.
7. Sheena gets hit on the top of the head with the ball, so technically it does get returned, Lila dove for it but missed, Rhonda took out her cell phone when it rang instead of attempting to hit the ball, Nadine spikes it back, Phoebe falls flat on her face and gets hit with the ball. Helga manages a backwards save.
8. Cut to the girls lined up for their results. Tish announces that Helga's going to be A team captain. Helga's surprised, but also pleased.
9. Tish announces that A team will be Helga, Nadine, Sheena and (3 other girls whose identities are to be determined later)
10. Tish announces the "Losers ...I mean B team are..." Phoebe, Rhonda, Lila (and 3 other girls whose identities are to be determined later), and tells them to go with Mr. Simmons.
11. Tish tells A team that this is not all about fun, that they're going to be champions, winners, that defeat will not be tolerated. This is juxtaposed to Mr. Simmons talking about how much fun they're all going to have, and how it's not about if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
12. Tish explains that she used to play volleyball in high school and scored the winning point at her state championship. This is played against Mr. Simmons asking the girls if any of them can tell him how volleyball is played.
13. Tish explains that the first game will be a scrimmage between A and B team, just for practice and fun, and that the whole 5th grade will be watching them. She then starts the drills. Mr. Simmons is shown explaining the scrimmage to the B team, but instead of getting them to practice, he dismisses them, as he's still not certain what he's supposed to be doing.
14. The next day at the game, the B team is getting a horrible beat down. Helga's up as first server, and no one can manage to reach the ball in time to return it.
15. In the bleachers, the boy show admiration for Helga's abilities. Harold figures it's because she's part Amazon.
16. Phoebe manages to return the ball, but it goes out of bounds, resulting in yet another point to A team. 17. Gerald shouts that it's all right, they're not beaten yet, and Arnold shouts encouragement as well, though it's painfully obvious that he realizes B team has no chance. Sid points out that they practically are beaten already, as the points stand at 12-0. Gerald glares at him.
17. Helga's managed to score up a few more points. At 14-0, Lila returns the ball only to have Nadine spike it back, sealing the win for A team at 15-0.
18. Tish congratulates the A team while Mr. Simmons consoles the downtrodden B team.
19. Transition somehow to the next game. Phoebe and Helga are in uniform, about to head in to the gym when Arnold and Gerald come up to wish them luck. Phoebe politely thanks them, Helga snorts and says it's the other team that's gonna need the luck.
20. The four walk inside together, and Helga takes her place on court while Arnold and Gerald sit in the stands to watch and Phoebe sits in the stands with the rest of the B team
21. (I don't want to go too much into another volleyball game here. What I'm envisioning is just a few panels of the A team rocking it out - Helga serving, Nadine spiking, soon-to-be-named girls digging and Sheena just getting lucky with getting hit on the head.) Eventually the score will be shown, revealing A team won 15-4.
22. The boys enthusiastically cheer for A team, with Arnold adding in a "Way to go, Helga!"
23. The B team gets up to court (and what I imagine here is a few panels of them...not doing so well. Missing the ball, getting distracted, hitting the ball but having it go backwards instead of forwards)
24. The final score is shown at 15-2 (if it's shown, I'm thinking Lila made one point and Rhonda when she actually bothered to pay attention hit one back)
25. transition to the lockers after school. Helga comes up to Phoebe and tells her they should walk home together. Phoebe agrees to that, then sheepishly admits to Helga that she wants to quit volleyball. She says she's getting laughed at.
26. Helga insists that no one's laughing at Phoebe, but Harold, in the same panel, starts in with "Ha ha, look at the little loser! You got dogged out there!"
27. Helga punches Harold and then amends "Okay, NOW nobody's laughing at you." Phoebe insists that she's not having fun, and suggests that she and Helga find something else to do together.
28. Helga angrily responds that the only reason Phoebe doesn't want to do volleyball is because she wasn't instantly good at it, and says that she won't quit, she's enjoying it, she's good at it, and she's having fun. Phoebe suggests that the only reason Helga's having fun is because they're winning, and that'll change if they start losing.
29. Helga furiously declares that Phoebe's just jealous, and storms off.
30. In an isolated part of the hallway, Helga pulls her locket out of her uniform. "Oh, my beloved... That which has gained even the tiniest bit of your admiration is making my best friend miserable! Do I continue with my athletic display, hoping it will catch your eye and continue to make you notice me, to perchance gain your everlasting love, or should I give it all up for my dearest and most noble friend? Oh, Arnold..." Loud breathing interrupts her.
31. She smacks Brainy without looking.
32. Cut back to Phoebe at her locker, back in her normal clothes. She looks at her uniform for a moment before throwing it on the ground and stomping on it (or jumping up and down on it)
33. Arnold, who has his backpack and is about to head out for home, sees her and asks if she's all right. Phoebe insists that she is, but Arnold points out that it's very out-of-character for her to be stomping on something. He asks again if something's bothering her.
34. Phoebe sighs and explains that she and "H--a friend" only joined the volleyball team for "short sighted and shallow goals." Arnold says "huh?" to which she elaborates - "We joined to get two boys' attention." "Ah," Arnold says, understanding.
35. Phoebe explains how she hadn't expected to be so horrible at volleyball, and certainly hadn't been ready to be laughed at because of it. She wasn't having fun, so she didn't see why her friend wouldn't quit with her. Arnold gently asks if Phoebe's friend is having fun. Arnold looks thoughtful, considering everything he's just been told.
36. Arnold asks if Phoebe's friend is having fun, and Phoebe admits that yes, her friend is, explaining that she's also really good at it. "Then I don't know...isn't it kind of selfish to ask her to give that up? You could always find something else to do together in your free time." Arnold suggests.
37. Phoebe considers. "You're right, Arnold. It was very selfish of me to be doing this...If He---my friend is enjoying volleyball and that guy is paying her a bit more attention, then I can just be happy for her. Thanks, Arnold." "Anytime, Phoebe."
38. Phoebe runs into Helga at her house. Helga was on her way to apologize to Phoebe, and breaks down dramatically, declaring that Phoebe's more important to her than the sport is, and she'll give it up for her. Phoebe interrupts her (though it takes a few tries).
39. In Helga's room, Phoebe elaborates her apology. "It was pointed out to me that I was being selfish, and I'm very sorry, Helga. It's just you were so good without even trying, and I was so terrible at it..." "You're not terrible, Pheebs, you just need practice," Helga insists, throwing a ball Phoebe's way.
40. Phoebe winces and ducks. And to learn to keep your eyes open when you're playing. That's your real problem, you can't be afraid of the ball." Helga explains. "In fact...why don't you work with me on this? I bet you can be real great at this. Now, first off, your stance..."
41. Phoebe awkwardly tries to adopt the 'proper' stance (knees bent, arms forward, often clasped together ready to dig, back slightly arched). Helga throws her the ball, but again, Phoebe winces and gets hit in the face.
42. "You've got to stop wincing!" Helga insists. "Think of it like..." she snaps her fingers. "I've got it! I pretend it's Bob, or Miriam...or Olga when I hit it. Just pretend it's someone you don't like." "Oh, I can't think of anybody I could --"
43. Phoebe remembers Harold teasing her. "I'm ready, throw the ball again..." Helga tosses it at her, and this time imagining Harold's face, she smacks the ball so hard it hits the wall and breaks one of Helga's pictures. "Oh, Helga, I'm so sorry!" "eh, don't be, it was a photo of Olga, anyways."
44. Insert indication that the two are going to keep working through the night. (I'm thinking just Helga saying "Now, let's try it again..." and then it fading or doing something to show that the next panel takes place a few days later)
45. The next game, the score is shown - 14 - 11, in favor of the Visitors. Cut to Phoebe returning a ball. She gets their score up to 12, but the next serve one of the random girls we'll need to name at some point misses, and they still lose the game.
46. Mr. Simmons points out by how few points the girls lost, telling them how proud he is, and that he's sure they'll get even better. "Yeah, but they're still losing!" Harold calls out. "Shut it, Pink Boy, or I'll shut it for you!" Helga calls back at him. "You did great, Pheebs."
47. "yeah...you did." Tish agrees. "in fact, I want you on A team. Whaddya say, kiddo?" "But A team's full!" Phoebe points out. "Yeah...well, between you and me, you'd be replacing Sheena." (Sheena may or may not overhear this, I'm not sure).
48. "See, Phoebe! You can be on the team with me! This'll be great!" Helga insists, putting a hand on Phoebe's back. "No," Phoebe declines. "I think I'd rather stay on the B team...it's just more fun for me. I hope you understand."
49. "Yeah, that's cool," Helga agrees. "We'll still get to travel together." "Plus," Phoebe looks towards the stands.
50. Gerald and Arnold are both shown. Gerald waves when he sees Phoebe looking at him. From offpanel, Phoebe adds "Looks like your goal was accomplished...".




Questions? Comments? Concerns? Bueller, Bueller? (...sorry...couldn't resist). I really don't want to trim it down, as I already had to cut out a subplot with Helga's father showing interest in watching her play as it stands. And the title needs to be changed, as the focus is more on Phoebe than Helga, but Helga plays such a major part that I'd rather not call it "Phoebe on Court"...suggestions?

Nicely done. I really like how this came out! Just a few things I noticed:

So you decided not to add in the part where Helga actually decides to quit for Phoebe? The way I saw that happening was before Phoebe could apologize Helga dramatically says she is sorry for getting so caught up with winning that she ignored the fact that her friend wasn’t having any fun. And then Phoebe says she has nothing to apologize for… yada yada, we know the rest. The script is totally fine without this though.

I honestly wish we could shorten it down, because it seems kind of long, but there is nothing to cut out. Everything is important, and cutting a part out would leave it incomplete. So I think the length is fine as long as your don’t add another lengthy scene.

I like how the Volly ball scenes are short/interesting/ and funny so it will keep people’s attention even if they don’t know how to play. That seems hard to pull off, but you did a good job. It’s going to be interesting to see how the actions scenes are going to look when they are done.

Haha I love the scene with the photo of Olga. It made me laugh.

Yay! I’m glad the idea of using psychology to train Phoebe worked out for you. I really like that scene. Actually, I think I got that idea because that’s how I trained my best friend to play volley ball, because she couldn’t serve the ball far enough. Huh, weird, your script brought that memory back that I had forgot I had.

This may be more for the artists then for you, but I think it would add something if at the end when Phoebe was actually doing really well and she returns the ball- to cut to a scene that shows Helga cheering for her after she scores a point. Helga, and maybe the rest of the crowd. Gerald too maybe? I just think that would drive home the point that she really improved while still in the game, and then after the game with the whole “you did good Phoebe “ and “Do you want to join the A team” would make it obvious. I don’t know, this might just be a personal preference.

I LOVE the ending scene! But one thing, instead of "Looks like your goal was accomplished..." shouldn’t it be “our goal”. Or maybe it should be Helga saying “your goal” Because Phoebe saying “your goal” sounds like she would be talking about Helga and Arnold only, which doesn’t make sense if she is looking at Gerald. OR maybe it would be Phoebe saying “Looks like your plan worked out in the end after all…” or something to that effect.

Okay, well that’s all I can think of. Let me know if something I said confused you. I hope this helps, and I am so excited for this episode! If you need an editor I’ll be happy to help. I can’t think of anything else to edit from what you have here, but when this starts being put into a format for the comic and you have all the lines down I would be happy to edit it for you.

Wow. This sounds REALLY good. The outline is terrific; I can't see anything major that needs changing.

Dpshrineinclosetgirl wrote:
I LOVE the ending scene! But one thing, instead of "Looks like your goal was accomplished..." shouldn’t it be “our goal”.

How about if both Helga and Phoebe knowingly look at each other and say "Mission Accomplished"?

Dpshrine - Would you be my editor? I would adore the help! And you're right about the ending, but I think shameonpretzel's idea is a fantastic fix.

shameonpretzel - I think that is a *perfect* way to end it, and you are my new hero for suggesting it.

I'm so glad you guys like the outline though. ^_^ thanks for all the feedback, and thanks for that psychology idea again!

I would love to be your editor! Just send me a message if you need help or want me to look something over.

haha and I love the "mission accomplished" line for the ending!

YES! I have an editor now and an ending. ^_^ So now I need to finish my script and I desperately need art people...*gets out net* Where do I find those at? And I'm a little confused, how much staff should I have before I start posting to the Want Ads?

You don't need staff to post a Want Add, but you do need staff to propose the episode project later. So just let everyone know what positions need to be filled.

You seem to have a pretty clear idea of everything that is going to happen, but you're probably still going to need a Thumbnail Artist. Although I have seen people design the entire comic practically by themselves. I guess it depends on how good you are with the comic making process. And I don't know if its required to have a script writer either. Maybe its up to your personal preference?

Hope this helps!

All right, showing my ignorance but...what is a thumbnail artist? I couldn't find a description.

It's okay, I didn't know what one was until I saw a description of the jobs. I'm pretty sure it is the person that takes everything the happen and says which things go in which panel. Like they say in panel one on the first page of the comic we see the back of arnold and gerald and they are looking at the announcement on the bulletin board. Second panel we get a close up of the announcement, and the third we see Geralds face and a speech bubble with what he says. They also lay out the shape and size of each panel. Its kinda like an outline of the entire comic. And usually it is up to the artist to take that outline and decide where in the panel the speech bubble is going to be placed and the expressions of the characters.

Ah, okay. Thanks.

No problem.

Sooo...
I was watching "Road trip" and Helga says she plays soccer so.. do you think because it's a new year she should join a new sport, make her quit soccer, or ignore that factor as a writer?

I may casually bring it up, but it won't be a major plotpoint (this is a long one as it stands...)

okay!